


Because It Should Be Talked About (but I'm sorry that it hurts)

by Cas_203



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Please Please Pay Attention To The Tags, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal feelings, Your Safety Is More Important Than This Stupid Story, npi, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 22:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12094992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cas_203/pseuds/Cas_203
Summary: Maybe Tyler isn't okay right now, either.The thought does something to Josh's heart that he has this sudden urge to call up his mom and just scream until there are no words, but the fact is that his mom's probably asleep and he can't think of a single fricking thing to say.----This could be triggering, so please, please just take care of yourself and don't read if you think it could be detrimental for you in any way. This was basically just me putting my feelings onto a fictional non-fictionally character, and it gets a bit intense. Just please read the tags before anything.





	Because It Should Be Talked About (but I'm sorry that it hurts)

"Tyler." The word is said as a statement ( not a question), and it comes from a twenty three year old Josh Dun. He approaches Tyler Joseph- a few months younger, twenty two years old (a fact his friend doesn't let him forget), still alive, still breathing- and he sits down next to him, letting his legs join the abnormally skinny ones already dangling off the side of the empty stage.

"Yeah, man?" And that's Tyler. He doesn't speak much unless prompted, but ask him about cheese and he'll give you a speech that leaves you in an existential crisis because god, you never knew something so trivial could have so much meaning.

"So, um, Addict With A Pen; it's great." It isn't really a question, and Josh soldiers on after a moments silence. "There a reason you hadn't let me hear it before?"

And that, ladies and gentleman, is Josh. Yes, he sometimes fumbles with what to say and doesn't appreciate speaking to crowds, but when he does say something he goes straight (kinda) to the point.

"I don't know. D'you think so?" 

No one says anything.

No one says anything because, come on, that has to be a rhetorical question. Josh just about says so until-

"Yeah. Yes. There's a reason. There's always a reason. Josh, as much as I love them, you're not Chris or Nick. You don't just hear, you listen."

And, okay. Josh thought they were gonna talk about the song and about how TYLER was hurting and how TYLER could come to him whenever and how TYLER didn't have to hide anymore, but if they were gonna talk about him that was cool too.

"Uh, thank you? Ty, I don't know what to say."

"Nothing. What I'm telling you... What I'm saying is that I didn't let you hear the song when you could actually concentrate on the lyrics because I knew you would do exactly that: concentrate on the lyrics. I wasn't ready for someone to see me open, raw and real." Tyler doesn't shy away, or duck his head as you would expect someone to do when talking about their suffering so indirectly. And no, you wouldn't expect a victim- and wasn't that just dandy, that Josh is already associating the word with Tyler of all people- to shy away because you wanted them to; victims usually just felt like they had something to be ashamed of.

The fact that Tyler doesn't seem to feel ashamed makes Josh feel an immense sense of pride, for some reason.

"Tyler, man... You didn't have to worry. I'm not saying I completely understand what you went through," And Josh's voice falters here for a moment because, in the most cliché way possible, he suddenly remembers the rubber band that's ever present on his friends' wrist and the days he spent alone in his room doing god knows what and late night conversations that left Josh and Mark more than a little confused and constant, erratic scribbling in an already too full notebook. Josh remembers sudden phone calls home to his mom and Zach and unexplained departures out of the studio at the most inopportune times and remotes frantically grabbed so tv channels could be suddenly- desperately- changed. He remembers cold, red eyes in the mornings (including this one) that he always chalked up to seasonal allergies and hot, white anger at celebrities who 'went around glorifying mental health as if it were some type of pain that could be cured with a bag of morphine' despite Tyler having said he 'could care less about what others in the industry talked or sang about.'

Maybe Tyler isn't okay right now, either. 

The thought does something to Josh's heart that he has this sudden urge to call up his mom and just scream until there are no words, but the fact is that his mom's probably asleep and he can't think of a single fricking thing to say. 

"You don't have to say anything, Jishwa," and there goes Tyler again, with too darn innocent eyes staring at him as if he's the one who wrote a song that practically screams 'I'm not clean, help me!' and a too darn expressive face that shows that, despite his worry about Josh, he's disappointed and hurt and scared like.... Like he thinks Josh hates him. Doesn't want him. 

Right, yes. Maybe that's Josh's fault for internally monologuing in silence for at least five minutes when he was meant to be finishing a sentence.

"No, I-I want to. I want to say that-that even though I might not completely understand what you are going through," Josh deserves a medal for his not so subtle acknowledgment of all the things he realised added up to something long after he should have realised they added up to something,"I still care about you. It doesn't change the way I think about you. It doesn't change the fact that you are my friend and brother and that if I could, I would turn back time for you so that I could find you before this-this agony entered your life and I could steer you away from it."

Tyler's crying. Not full on sobs or even silent shakes of the body, just a few tears leaking out of his previously glistening eyes and sliding down his cheeks like the drops of water that the salvation he so passionately sang about cleaned him with.

Somehow, that hurts more than any sob Josh could ever hear.

"It wasn't your fault- I-it just happened. It's like there was this-this switch inside of me that had been flipped and all the lights had gone out...but it was no ones fault. I-I guess that my-my brain just... It malfunctioned." Tyler's voice is breaking as he speaks but Josh doesn't care because the strength of the boy (man) sitting beside him has left him stunned. How could someone cope with such feeling from what was presumably a very young age? 

And now Josh realises that they haven't spoken about what, exactly, these feelings are. 

"Did you ever- do you ever wanna end it all?" It's not a tactful question at all, however Josh needs to break the silence or the silence would break him and send him into a full blown panic attack; he couldn't have that, right now Tyler was the priority. 

The very Tyler that had stood up and was walking toward the grand piano currently center stage.

Josh nearly freaks out, thinks he's crossed an invisible line that wasn't meant to be crossed, but Tyler sits down and his hands rest on the keys and Josh realises that, of course, this is Tyler's answer. His whole life, the boy (man) in front of him had vented his secrets to music, and of course his secrets would include the answer to Josh's question. 

Tyler glances at Josh, his eyes still wet and his pain still etched across his face, and (like so many times before) his hands begin to play a beautiful, familiar melody.

Except this isn't like anything ever before and the melody that Tyler is playing is blatantly unfamiliar.

"You're scared  
When you say  
You talked to them today  
When asked your faith,"

Tyler's voice is raspier; like it was right at the beginning. Like it still is. But there's that tinge of something older in it, the feel that his voice was starting to lose as he grew older. Josh hadn't been sure if he started to slightly change the way he sang voluntarily or not, yet now he knew.

"You'll cry  
No sound  
Wipe the tears with your doubts  
And hide again"

Josh knew this was an answer, knew he asked for one, but as the song progressed he regretted the question.

"I can't sleep  
It's just taking time off of my feet  
But my head instead is going a hundred miles a beat  
And I'm thinking as I'm sinking  
And he's winking at me  
Cause they know  
Desperation and temptation is free  
Do you see?"

Tyler must've been young when he wrote this, Josh realises, because the song feels...ancient. And, Josh thinks to himself, it's definitely not sounding that way because the man singing it had probably- definitely- suffered more than anyone else his age had to.

"I can't live this way  
Just to write a song to play  
Just to stay alive  
Just enough to breathe away  
Another day  
Another face  
I will lose another race  
Save me now  
Cause tomorrow's gone  
Just like yesterday,"

"Tyler." Again, the word is softly spoken as a statement and not a question. The word is spoken as a reassurance that Tyler is still here because, dear god, there was his answer. The answer that had been in all of Tyler's lyrics, it was being sung in front of him and it hurt.

It hurt to realise that he was right. It hurt to realise that, yes, Josh, your best friend (your brother) felt this way at the god forsaken age of.. What, assuming this song was from that mentioned-yet-never-sought-out album-that-was-somehow-still-on-YouTube-after-being-removed, 16, 17? Most of all, though, it hurt Josh that he was blind to the agony staring him right in the face.

"They laugh in your face  
Cause they took your grace  
But did you give it away?"

Those lines, they do something to Josh. They do something that causes him to rather ungracefully (and, yes, Josh realises the pun that his brain came up with), stumble into the place next to Tyler on his piano stool and grip his shoulder as if it were his only lifeline.

It was.

"They cry   
No sound  
Wipe the tears with your doubts  
And die again,"

That's just, that's just perfect. Little Tyjo had to put in some line like that, a line that caused Josh's brain to scramble at the realisation of the implication of those words...

Tyler kept playing.

"On the eve of a day that's forgotten and fake,  
And the trees they await and clouds anticipate,  
The start of a day when we put on our face,  
A mask that portrays that we don't need grace,  
And the meaning and weight of the day is lost without a trace,"

Oh, man. Oh, man that was Ode To Sleep. This is where it originated and Josh got to see, but if it meant Tyler wouldn't feel the need to even write words like those down ever again, he would gladly blind himself so he never saw a darn thing.

"On the eve of a day that is bigger than us,  
But we open our eyes only because we're told that we must,  
And the trees wave their arms and the clouds try to plead,  
Desperately yelling out there's something else in this world we need,  
And it happens to be free"

It was a story- just like every other song Tyler had written. And this one? Josh thinks that it showed a boy wanting to close his eyes forever, and was only keeping them open for the sake of everyone else. 

"I won't be afraid,  
I won't be afraid  
I won't be afraid  
He is strong  
And I'll live another day  
I'll live another day  
I'll live another day."

Hope- this was hope. This was hope that Tyler had to go and write for himself because no one else was there to say it for him.

"He is strong  
And I won't be afraid  
I won't be afraid  
I won't be afraid  
He is strong  
And I'll live another day  
I'll live another day  
I'll live"

He sits down next to Tyler now. He sits down next to him, keeping his own hand on the other boy's (man's) shoulder because he wants Tyler to know that he agrees; Tyler is the strongest person Josh knows.

"Cause I can't sleep  
It's just taking time off my feet  
But my head, instead is going a hundred miles a beat  
And I'm thinking as I'm sinking  
And he's winking at me  
Cause they know  
Desperation and temptation is free  
Do you see?"

Tyler's voice cracked multiple times in that verse, yet Josh could care less. Him bringing this song back full circle, Josh thinks that while it takes away some of the hope it tells Tyler's story perfectly. He wasn't okay, then he got better, now he isn't that okay again. In fact, he's getting worse (that scares Josh, and it scares his anxiety more. He has clammy hands and a racing heart beat and his mouth is inexplicably dry).

"We can't live this way  
Just to write a song to play  
Just to stay alive  
Just enough to breathe away  
Another day  
Another face  
And I will lose another race  
Save me now  
Cause tomorrow's gone  
Just like yesterday..."

The brown, innocent eyes of the pianist are closed. 

Then they're open.

Then the pianist turns his head to look at the friend sitting beside him.

Then?

Then he realises that he's found someone to save him.

Josh see's that realisation click in place, see's the trust and hope leak into Tyler's eyes and he can't help but choke out a rushed mantra of,  
"You're okay, you're okay, I promise that you're okay, you're not alone, in here and you're okay because I'm here and you'll always be okay," while pulling Tyler in close so that his head was resting on his shoulder.

It's stupid; it's pathetic. No one was okay right now, and the low, bitter laugh coming from Tyler and the words coming out of his mouth proved that,  
"I'm not...okay. I'm not stupid, Josh. But- I just- it's- thank you. For realising that- for staying with me still." Tyler speaks in a low, ravaged whisper so unlike his powerful singing voice just a few minutes ago and Josh's heart just goes and breaks again because... Because that's his brother. The man sitting next to him is his brother.

Josh decides that he's gonna ask to cut rehearsals short, and he's gonna convince Tyler to sit through a pointless movie marathon just to validate that he's still alive, still breathing, and then tomorrow they're going to wake up after falling asleep at 3am.

When they wake up, nothing is going to be said. Today won't be mentioned, neither will their fears- things will change though. Tyler will notice Josh's over protectiveness and Josh will notice Tyler hiding. Tyler will say he's fine and Josh will say that no one is. Tyler silently break apart and Josh will just as silently piece him back together.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanna say that although this is just fan fiction, the issues it deals with are far from non existent. I want to say that although you might think you don't have anyone like Josh (in this story) right now, I promise you that you do- and if that person doesn't step up then you have me and Tyler and Josh and the rest of the clique. We aren't just a band and it's fanbase, we're frens. We're family, and I can promise you that everyone in this family wants you to stay alive tonight, including me.


End file.
